I Smile Till I Don't
by Watashinomori
Summary: Sometimes the smile you see is a burden to be carried.


**I Smile till I don't  
** by _Watashinomori_

* * *

The young boy was hidden in the middle of the crowd. He was caught in the bus by Joker's crew. His mother was laughing near him, she was sitting on the seat, head fallen behind and laughing so bad she couldn't breath. Laughter was all around him and the poor boy was crying. The only soul in the bus crying. Curled between the shaking body of his mother and the window. A man walked by them laughing and gasping for air. He stumbled and fell over his mother, his head was on the boy's lap. The man hissed among his laugh, the air incapable to reach his lungs. He tried his best to say ' _Help me_ ', but the 'he' part always dissolved into a laughter. He then made an awful sucking sound while dying without air. The screech pierced the bus.

"Well, Well! What do we have here?" a clown stop beside him. The boy tried to run desperately. The man took him by the collar.

"The boss will sure like to know about it! Hahahahaha" another stood by their side, laughing. "Why aren't you smiling little boy?" He couldn't answer. His cry became louder. He never was so scared in his life. At least not until his mother started to make the same sound as the dead man.

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" he struggled in his captor's hands.

"Hehehe! Hahahahahaha! The boss will love this gift! He got a mouth!" the clown started to take the boy away from his mom.

"No! Leave me! NO!"

He was thrown in front of a man, he was using a purple suit and had his hair green. He took a seat from one of those five buses he had in that place and put it in the middle of them. He rose an eyebrow to the clown and the man shivered. The clown took his gas mask off.

"He isn't laughing, sir. I thought you would like to know" he said stuttering a little.

"Like? Oh no, I loved it! Ha hahahah ahhahaha!" he stood and lifted the boy's face by the chin. "You can leave now. GO!" the clown ran. "Hello, little Timmy, how are you?"

"M-My name isn't… isn't Ti-Timmy" babbled.

"Hohohohohohoho" he grabbed his face, his fingers burying in the flesh of his cheeks. The nails digging the skin, cutting. "Why aren't you laughing, Timmy? Aren't all of this funny for you?"

"N-No! I'm scared!" he cried.

"Oh! Boohoo! So, I'll make it funny!" he took a crowbar. "It will be magical!"

Dick woke up with beads of sweat falling from his face. A gentle touch made him aware someone was in his room. He jumped in a defensive stance. He was ready to attack his offender when he did realize it was Megan.

"Is everything fine? I heard you screaming!" Dick smiled. A little twitched, but a smile.

"Sorry, bad dream."

"Your parents?" the Team had just known about his identity. Their worry was cute, but unneeded. Except for now, it was a great excuse.

"Yep. Same dream as ever" at least the second part wasn't a lie.

"Need something? Water?"

"No, I'm sorry I woke you up. But I'll take advantage I'm awake now and go back to the cave. Have something to do" smiled again. She smiled back, a sad smile. Megan really loved to help.

He headed to the zeta beam, crossing a Wally West returning from a kitchen visit. His friend halted and looked directly to him. His eyes piercing his soul. Wally mouthed a ' _needing to be alone?_ ' he truly smiled to him. Only a best friend could be that good at reading him. Nodded lightly. Wally gestured he would be there, just in case. Dick waved him a good bye. The raven haired boy entered the zeta beam and teleported away from there. Showing up in the Batcave.

There was a rock that wasn't a rock, was a plastic hollow thing shaped and painted like a rock. Walked to it and opened. There was a letter inside it. And for a long time now Dick wondered if that was his or the other boy. He couldn't tell. Because lately, he felt it was his. And it was a suicide letter.

He could still remember the day they found the boy. It was his first week in the cape. He was eager to help, eager to face the danger. Joker had struck. Batman was emphatic about how he should wait in the cave. Don't leave. Don't pry. Don't even breath out of the line! Yeah, sure. Like he would listen to him. Robin left as soon as the Dark Knight was gone and swung to the site. He found him in a parking lot of the bus company. Five buses were disposed in a circle with a seat in the middle of it. The man of the evening was nowhere to be found. A screech cut the air from a hangar. A childish scream.

Without waiting for Batman, Robin entered the building and what he saw knocked him down. Joker had the boy in a table, tied tightly. He was torturing the kid. Repeating ' _Why aren't you laughing?_ '. He asked and pulled a piece of skin up, he was peeling the boy almost like a banana. 'Why aren't you feeling the fun?'. Robin fell with a thump, to this day he still could feel his leg because of that fall. Joker's laughter filled the air. Robin was scared.

" _Look! Now you'll have a friend to play with you, Timmy! Isn't it fun?_ " pulled a string of skin with strength and the boy cried, trying his best to look like a laugh. " _Seize him! The daddy of the little bird should be near. It is a very protective parent, this bat specie!_ " clowns ran to Robin, and he was nowhere near to be able to defend himself. Next thing he recalled, it was waking up in the cave. Alfred was looking very concerned and Batman pacing near him.

" _Were you crazy? Why you couldn't follow my orders? I specifically said Don't leave the cave. You know I can only allow you_ _to_ _follow this if you promise to obey!_ "

" _I'm sorry, Batman. I'll never do it again._ "

" _No! You don't understand! I almost lose you!_ " and he was pulled up to a bear hug. Bruce, not Batman, was crying. " _I never was so scared!_ "

After that he never disobeyed any order, until that day in the Hall of Justice. Wally had healed him. Because after that time with Joker he couldn't bring himself to be cheerful. He was always careful, always serious. Always doing his job. Wally was a goof and taught him how to be a child again. But never with his cowl on. When the mask was on his face, he was deadly serious. He couldn't risk, he couldn't let that happen again.

Later he found the kid again, he discovered the boy was older than him. And he seemed happy. At least, until he found the boy dead in his room. With a letter in his hand and a frozen smile into his rigor mortis.

 _Dear Robin,_

 _Thanks for saving me. Sorry that I ever put you in danger._

 _I can't keep going as I am now. I'm always scared. I want to cry so badly. Not because I'm sad or anything. Just because I can't cry since that day. I'm scared if I cry the Joker will show up._

 _He will._

 _He always does._

 _At least in my dreams._

 _I need to make them stop._

 _I can't take it anymore!_

 _I want to stop smiling._

 _And this is the only way._

 _I smiled till I won't anymore._

 _Yours truly,_

 _Timmy_

And, yet, he was smiling. Even in the end. Robin kept the letter for himself. For three years now. And he kept the job also. Always smiling. He needed. Batman was starting to talk to Alfred about his lifeless mood and how unnatural it was for a kid to be like that. He was saying that maybe Robin should retire. That Robin should try a normal life. It was his job, now, to keep the Joker away. So, smiling, he swung to Patrol with Batman. Pulling pranks and making puns. Bruce was aware something happened, but never mentioned.

" _What happened? This is not like you_ " Wally asked on the first day they met after it had happened. He looked down.

" _It will be now_ " said.

" _Is it what you want?"_

" _Yeah_ " he was unsure, his voice failed. But he kept a firm front.

" _So I'll be by your side. Anything. Anytime. Just name it!_ " they shared a true smiled. One of the last he ever gave.

Wallace West was the only person to make him laugh for real. It was something in the way he moved, talked, breathed. Something inside him that was so naturally silly that Dick could smile. It was during the last New Year that he discovered that wasn't something in Wally, it was inside of him. It wasn't until he lost it, that Robin found out he was in love with his best friend. And smiling started to suffocate him.

He didn't want to smile anymore, but Wally could tell something was off. So he kept the lie. Smiling at Bruce and at Wally. At the team, at Alfred, at the League. He wasn't afraid of the Joker, he was afraid of himself. He was afraid of the sad kid who was looking back at him in the mirror. He was afraid that kid would take away everything he fought for. All the small happiness he gathered. All the tiny true smiles he had after his parents fell.

That kid was his Joker.

And that kid was looming around, closer, day after day.

Robin was to hide the letter, but thought again and shoved inside his pocket.

It was Nightwing who paid the price.

It wasn't long after Wally died. Nightwing was on patrol, but his mind was elsewhere. Probably some sweet summer time of his youth, from the time before he realized he wanted his friend. Maybe older than that. Maybe he was thinking about his parents, having an ice cream with his cousin under the bearded woman's trailer. A time when he was truly happy, even if now he couldn't even grasp the concept of happiness.

A gunned man stopped his flight through the city. Dick fell. He was able to recover before hitting the ground and because of that he didn't break any bones. But it wasn't the man that was dangerous. It was his own thoughts. Of how the pain in his leg, where the bullet had scraped, was sweet and welcomed. Of how his thoughts were clear for the first time in forever. He was careless on purpose during the strife, missed few dodges and jumps. Dreaming one of the man's bullets would find his head. That was all what he wanted.

But the poor man was scared, facing a Batman partner. And as the strife kept going, more stupid he was becoming. And that angered Nightwing, before he could stop himself, he was becoming more and more vicious.

"Please, stop!" the man cried, lying on the floor. Hands on his head. Surrendering.

Nightwing sighed in frustration and tied the man. He left the site with a goal in his head. He was going after Joker. And he knew what to do exactly to lure the Clown Prince out of his hideout. While swinging through Gotham's sky, he saw his own reflection in a window. He smiled to the gloom boy, it was about to end. Dick could see Timmy on his reflection. Nodding slightly in accord with his decision.

He landed in the center of the Aviary. Pulled the letter from his impervious pocket. ' _How ironic it would be if my suicid_ _e_ _letter was incomprehensible_ _because my blood covered it all_ '. That thought got him a chuckle. He caressed the old paper, a tear strolled down his face. The end, though it was sweet, could be so… final.

"What a cute little bird! I'm so impressed!" Joker laughter took the place.

"I'm here for you, Joker" carefully put the letter in safety.

"Little Robin I didn't kill, what brought you to my humble home?"

"Your head on a silver plate" and jumped on him.

Predictably a crowbar hit his side. One hit, two, three. The fourth was on his head. He became dizzy. One or another kick was able to land on him, but usually his attacks missed. He wasn't being quick enough.

"Why do I feel this is going too easy for me?" the man stopped. Holding his head by his hair, the crowbar lifting his chin. "No, no, no! It isn't fun! You need to react, bird! A pretty bird always sings! SING FOR ME!"

Dick was thrown on the ground and Joker swung his crowbar on his back dozens of times. He grabbed his hair again and pulled him up.

"Why so silent? SING! Or, maybe, I could do a small show. You caught me by surprise, I didn't even offer you a drink, or my wi fi password! How about we fix that and I extend the invitation to your family so we can have fun together?"

"No!" his voice was weirdly gurgling with all the blood in his mouth. "Leave them alone! This is between us!"

"Why, sweet bird? You aren't singing. Maybe Daddy can talk to you! Let's call him!" and hit a button on his suit that activated the tracker. "Ha! Years watching you click those buttons and ending our fun, and today I was the one to click it, to bring more fun!" and laughed hysterically. "What can we do while waiting?"

Dick tried to reach his comm to dismiss the signal. But Joker stepped on his arm and landed a strong hit on it with the crowbar. Nightwing screamed.

"Now you sing? Teenagers, go figure" and shrugged.

He needed to stop Batman, or anyone. He couldn't die in front of them, that was never his intent. They would feel sad. Even if Dick was a replaceable useless thing, they would feel guilty. And Tim was too young to see that. No, he needed to dismiss that call.

"Why are you so stubborn? Be a good bird!" he hit his head and Dick was out.

Nightwing woke up with the sound of the manic laughter. His whole body was aching. He was hanging from a cage by his feet. His chest was exposed, a burning was bothering him. A drop of blood ran into his mouth. Was he bleeding?

"Is this for real?" Joker laughed hard, wiped a tear. "Timmy killed himself? Oh, oh! Ha! Hahahahahaha! Ah, so good. So good. At least he smiled till the end! See, baby bird? I do miracles!"

"He lived with scars and fear, that isn't a miracle!"

"Tomatoes, tomatoes" he threw the letter.

"NO! GIVE ME THAT BACK!" he coughed after yelling. There was blood. He struggled to see his burning chest and realized his skin was peeled. Like Timmy was. That gave him a weirdly good feeling.

"Why?"

"It's mine! Just gimme!" the man bent down and took the letter. "Please! I'm begging you! I never did it before!" gargled.

"Not even the fake birds. Neither the one I killed nor the snotty little prat!" folded the paper and slid inside his pocket. "Here. But I think you should write your own" he tapped twice on the pocket. "It would be filled with kisses and sunshine!" and laughed.

Dick closed his eyes and mouthed a thanks. The window crashed and he was reminded of a problem in hand.

"Look! Daddy is here for the show!"

"Batman! Go away!" yelled at the man. He was frozen.

"I'm here, Joker. Let him go" said in a calm tone. "I'll do anything! Don't hurt him!"

"See, Batsy, as much as I loved to do as you said. Chirping bird here came to play by himself! I can't let a kid disappointed, can I?" swung a crowbar right on Nightwing's ribs. "And this one" another swung. "I'll kill" another "right" twice in a row "in front" another swung "of you! Geez, it's a good workout. I just lost five pounds doing this!" Batman was over him. But a knife on Dick's throat stopped him.

Dick was confused, Bruce never was stopped by a knife at the throat of a hostage. And then it sunk in. Bruce was emotionally shaken. It was his son. He wasn't being reasonable.

"Go away, Batman! It's not your fault" muttered. His mind was going blank and he had serious doubts that he was able to say that.

"He is just a kid. I'm asking you" he stepped closer. "Don't take him. Not him!"

"What would the brat I killed think if he hear you now? Not him? I can capture the other one, then? That red petty thing that thinks so highly of himself?"

"NO!" Dick screamed. "Not him! Me! I'm here!" his voice started to disappear and faded. He was losing too much blood.

"I'm confused. Not him, not the other him… ah… what a man can do?" stuck the crowbar into Dick's belly. Both, Nightwing and Batman, screamed. Batman started to run to him. "Know what? I'm tired of this. I'm leaving!" took off the crowbar and ran.

Bruce stopped by his side. He was talking, but Dick couldn't hear. He felt being taken down, while Batman knelt with him on his lap. For some reason he remembered the Pietà. And the Dark Knight crying over his bloody body while muttering something inaudible to him was the last thing in his mind before blacking out.


End file.
